The Daily Prophet
by SqueeDraco
Summary: My friends and I got bored and decided to write our version of the Daily Prophet. Most of these articles are out of order.
1. House Elves Related to Pregnant Dinosaur

House Elves Related to Pregnant Dinosaurs  
  
Michelle Richardson, a leading Unspeakable at Britain's ministry of magic, has proven that house elves are related to pregnant dinosaurs. "I was studying some dinosaur fossils I had - I had permission to be viewing muggle artifacts, mind you - and I could not help but notice certain similarities between the structure of house elf bones and dinosaur bones. I decided to study this further, and obviously, my work proved fruitful. As we all know, house elves first began to appear at about 6,000 BC. Dinosaurs were prominent during this time period. House elves could not have simply come into existence," comments Richardson. "And this is what my work proved." "I began by studying the very similar skeletal structure. Now, I personally do not believe in evolution, so I immediately ruled that out as the cause of such similarity. Then it struck me - house elves were not evolved from dinosaurs - house elves were dinosaurs." Richardson's work proved that sometime in early 6,000 BC, two female dinosaurs both got pregnant. At this time a very odd virus had come into existence and was spreading rapidly. The pregnant dinosaurs were both subjected to the virus. But they did not contract the virus - their unborn children had. This virus caused the offspring to turn up like they are now - house elves. For her contribution to science, Richardson is being awarded Ministry of Magic's Employee of the Year Award, as well as an Order of Merlin, Second Class. 


	2. Former Hogwarts Teacher Locked in Azkaba...

Former Hogwarts Teacher Locked in Azkaban  
  
Former Hogwarts teacher, Professor Umbridge, has been locked in Azkaban prison for using cruel and unusual punishment techniques. It was recently brought to the attention of Professor Albus Dumbledore, Headmaster of Hogwarts, that Dolores Jane Umbridge, also a former Ministry of Magic employee, was using such techniques while her students (if indeed they can be called students, seeing as they learned nothing in her class) were serving detention. 6th year student, Jessica Huber, comments, "Yeah, I got a detention for calling her a whore. During detention, she made me write with this quill thing - and it made my hand bleed. It made me write in my own blood. Umbitch made me write, 'I will not tell lies about my teachers' over and over again. Funnily enough, I was telling the truth all along." After Miss Huber and her friends, Vivian Abott, Michelle Richardson, and Ryan McGee contacted Dumbledore of this, he immediately sent an owl to the Justice Department of the Ministry of Magic. Says Dumbledore, "This cannot go unpunished. She used magic against my students that I should have hoped was never used. I am very disappointed in her actions, and she deserves her punishment." Umbridge's sentence is for a minimum of 60 years, without parole. 


	3. Lost Hippogriff Found and Awaiting Trial

Lost Hippogriff Found and Awaiting Trial  
  
An hippogriff that once belonged to Rubeus Hagrid, Keeper of Keys and Care of Magical Creatures teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, mysteriously disappeared a few years ago. Buckbeak, as the hippogriff is known, has recently shown up in London. Upon recognizing the hippogriff, Mr. Amos Diggory of the Ministry of Magic subdued the creature and took it in to work with him. Buckbeak was put on trial - and sentenced to death - a few years ago after attacking Hogwarts student Draco Malfoy. Says Malfoy of the hippogriff's capture, "I am glad they found it! There is no excuse for letting this vicious creature escape again. Off with its head." However, Hagrid is optimistic about the second trial Buckbeak will now face. Hogwarts students Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Vivian Abott, Jessica Huber, Ryan McGee, and Michelle Richardson have been helping him prepare a case in favor of saving Buckbeak's life. Says Abott, "This hippogriff was just defending itself. Hagrid warned that they did not like to be insulted." "Too true, he did give fair warning," comments Richardson, "and I have no doubt in my mind that we will win this trial. The Ministry can put down that axe right now...because this hippogriff is going to live. You hear me? Buckbeak will live. He is innocent. So put aside your cruelty, and have mercy on the poor fellow. He was just defending himself." The trial will take place at the Ministry of Magic in London on the 14th. 


	4. Two New Teachers at Hogwarts

Two New Teachers at Hogwarts  
  
This year two new teachers joined the ranks at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Joining the staff this year are Leah Zimbi and Jessica Huber. Zimbi has been in Pennsylvania for the last 3 years studying Nasferatu. She received the highest scores on both her O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s in Defense Against the Dark Arts. Hogwarts is welcoming her this year to the post of Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher. Jessica Huber recently graduated from Hogwarts, receiving top marks on her O.W.L.s and N.E.W.T.s in Care of Magical Creatures. Hyman always had a sense of caring for creatures, and is a member of the Society for the Promotion of Elvish Welfare. Hogwarts is welcoming her to the post of Care of Magical Creatures teacher. The old teacher, Rubeus Hagrid, retired from his post. "It jus' got ter be ter much," he says. "What with bein' the Keeper of Keys an' Grounds here at Hogwarts, I was havin' trouble keepin' up with me classes." Albus Dumbledore announced these new appointments late Saturday evening. 


	5. Letters to the Editor

Letters to the Editor  
  
Dear Daily Prophet, My name is Hermione Granger, and I am a student at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I happen to feel very strongly about House Elves and their rights, but very few other people seem interested in this subject. Only two of my friends at school, Jessica Huber and Michelle Richardson, have taken up the cause of liberating house elves along with me. People say that house elves do not want to be free, and I think this is true to some extent. The only reason house elves do not want to be free is because they are afraid that if they are freed, they will not be able to find work. This is utterly ridiculous. I think that people would be willing to pay house elves to do work; I know I would be. I started a program, called S.P.E.W., or the Society for the Promotion of Elvish Welfare. There are very few members so far, and I urge anyone reading this to consider joining. My hopes and dreams will only come true if one day house elves are liberated and are just as free as we are. Sincerely,  
  
Hermione Granger 


	6. Author for Quibbler Voted Best Tabloid A...

Author for Quibbler Voted Best Tabloid Author  
  
Yesterday at the Ministry of Magic's Seven-hundredth Annual Awards Show, Vivian Abott, an author for the popular magazine "The Quibbler" won the award for the Best Tabloid Author. Comments Abott, "It was such an honor to win this award! I am glad that people have been reading and appreciating my work." Luna Lovegood, the daughter of the editor of the Quibbler, had a comment to make as well. "All of these stories are real, you know. The Quibbler is not a tabloid. It has important issues that people need to know about." Abott's works include such articles as "Kneazles: Descendant from ancient Greek Wizarding Family", "Wizarding Family in Northern Ireland Hit With Spell That Made Them Lay Dragon Eggs", and the most popular, "My Wand Made Me Do It: 100 Excuses to get out of Problems with the Ministry of Magic". Abott beat out fellow category member Rita Skeeter. 


	7. Skeeter is Shunned

Skeeter is Shunned  
  
Popular, Ex-Daily Prophet reporter, Rita Skeeter found herself in a difficult situation yesterday. She was having a drink in the Hog's Head when a group of teenagers recognized her. The teens began shouting, chanting and singing...yes, singing, their disapproval of Skeeter. One could hear the lyrics "Rita Skeeter better shut her mouth before she gets in trouble" throughout Hogsmeade. One bystander quoted "There was a huge mob! They must really have something against that woman!" The uproar finally ended when a Ministry of Magic employee turned up to straighten things out. None of the teenagers were punished for their cry of hatred. 


End file.
